Learning about words and phrases which can increase conflict and those which strengthen your bond can tremendously help your relationships.
The Nature of Disagreements
People disagree because they’re different people. No matter how good your relationship is, it's normal to have differences of opinion.
The key is to sort out the disagreement in a mutually beneficial way.
Learn and practice how to keep any communication challenges to a minimum. There’s no need to be concerned that you don’t agree all the time.
Substitute Words that Separate with Words that Unite
You’re partners. You hurt when things come up which separate you. You want to feel comfortable with each other. You want to enjoy each other.
You also want to resolve challenges in your relationship peacefully and happily.
Words have the power to create or destroy.
Use these techniques when talking with each other:
1. Avoid the word “you” when you’re angry.
When you do, your partner becomes defensive and the disagreement escalates. Express your feelings by beginning the sentence with “I.”
Expressing your feelings makes it about you, not your partner.
2. Avoid absolutes, such as “never” and “always.”
When you say, “You always leave your shoes in the hallway,” your partner will point out the times they put them in the closet. “You never take out the garbage” will elicit, “I took it out last week.” Using absolutes separates you.
3. Avoid the word “Should."
Rephrase your statement to: “I would appreciate it if you would…” You’re accepting the responsibility for your preference.
Remember your Reflective Listening techniques. When you sit down with the intention of understanding each other, you’ll both begin with “I” sentences to express your feelings.
Phrases that Separate and Phrases that Build
Imagine your partner saying with a sarcastic tone, “Well, what’s the matter with you?”
That’s an aggressive statement and tone of voice. It automatically forms a wedge between the two of you.
When someone asks a question in a sarcastic manner, two things are revealed:
1. Something is going on with your partner. It could be your relationship, or it could be something at work. When the time is right, you might ask, “Are you okay?”
2. You both have something important to talk about. Sometimes, the best response is to take a break.
To build your relationship you want to establish intimacy.
A wonderful way to bring you and your partner closer is to show your interest in them.
A great way of showing your interest is by asking open-ended questions.
1. Why did that upset you?
An open and inquisitive tone of voice is important when you ask this question.
Even if your partner says things you disagree with, let them talk.
2. How are you viewing this?
When appropriate, respond with, “What I’m hearing is _____. Is that correct?”
You can also make short comments that let the other know you are listening.
Practice on yourself using words that build!
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